The Restaurant at the End of the Twitterverse

20 Jul


You know, the other day I went to a new restaurant that had opened recently. I’d been looking forward to visiting it for quite some time, as friends had told me how much they’d enjoyed it, and couldn’t wait to go back.

Opinions are important to me, particularly my own. I took their recommendations on board, but decided the most important thing was to go there and make up my own mind.
A few who knew me well tried to warn me that the restaurant had been built to cater for many, many differing tastes, and that I may find some of the food served there objectionable.
‘That’s fine by me’ I said, ‘each to his own and all that.’
After all, I’m a great believer in the freedom to eat anything you want, so I’m happy to let everyone do their own thing. Even if it contradicts my own tastes, and I have to tell them so 149 times, I’ll always believe in their rights as an individual. As long as they allow me to tell them, repeatedly, why disagreeing with me is technically bullying.

Anyway, the following day, I headed off to the restaurant. From the outside, it seemed alright. I could hear music playing  – wasn’t a band I liked particularly, but I could overlook that. There were voices, it sounded really busy so that was a good sign. Clearly it’s a popular place if that many people want to spend time there.
I decided to go in, feeling genuinely excited, I was looking forward to meeting the people inside and possibly sharing a new foodie experience with them. Who knows? Maybe I’d even make some friends.

Well…you can imagine my TOTAL horror on walking in there, and finding it was decorated from floor to ceiling in laminated pornography photos! Not only that, the floor was spray painted with swear words, and the happy chattering voices I’d heard apparently belonged to some extremely questionable groups of people, all milling around, using silly in-jokes, and insulting each other – seemingly for fun.

So, you know what I did? Well I certainly didn’t leave, oh no sir.
I did what any freedom loving individual would do, I sat down on the nearest available seat, and began listing the reasons WHY I hated it, in a very loud voice.
I pointed out that I despised the décor, and that the swear words they were using offended me hugely – they were not the same swears that I myself enjoyed using.
Then I jeered at the groups of people, and criticised them for being there. ‘What are you in here for, why don’t you go outside??’ I laughed from my seat.
I then made reference to the conversations they were having, using the most ridiculous terminology I’d never even heard of, so therefore – utterly pointless.

You’ll never guess what happened. They started walking over, and accusing ME of being wrong!
I’ve never been so surprised and angry in my entire life, how DARE they bully me for pointing out that even being in that restaurant is pointless and stupid!
I’d rather eat anywhere but there, and I told them so.
They then suggested I go elsewhere to eat! Have you ever heard the like!?

‘No’ I said, making myself comfier in my seat, ‘I have the right to eat anywhere I like, and as much as I hate it here, and won’t ever be ordering anything, I’m going to stay.’
The bullies seemed baffled by this, but I know my rights.
I continued to sit there, poking fun at my surroundings, mocking everything and everyone who seemed to be having fun – how could they possibly be enjoying this? I hate it so much, it’s beyond comprehension – and I told them so.
It just didn’t seem to sink in.

Two weeks I sat in that hateful, awful restaurant, my list of complaints growing ever longer.
I picked on a few of the regulars, trying to make them see that everything they said and did was ridiculous, but yet again – they became offended at ME.
I sat smirking as they took photographs of the food they’d ordered, and then showed each other the photos – how completely pointless.
Didn’t they realise I was simply trying to point out their flaws, as I saw them? I was trying to make them better people, yet all I was greeted with was baffled anger.
All the precious time I’d taken, sitting in a place I hated, and none of my remarks seemed to be acknowledged. I’d never witnessed such selfish behaviour.

But, I won’t give up on them. I feel it’s my duty to stay in this dreadful restaurant for as long as it takes to make everyone else see what nasty bullies they are, and how ridiculous it is that they want to be there. I will sacrifice myself, and my happiness, to teach them how valuable my freedom of speech is in explaining why everything they do is pathetic.
One day, perhaps…they’ll realise I was right all along.